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The Male Masturbation Handbook
by wired, March 2, 2006 2:44 PM

(a.k.a: The Completely Amazing Guide to Male Stimulation and Shameless Self-Gratification)

It's generally assumed that all guys do it. It's also generally assumed that all guys do it the same way: Up, down. Up, down. Up, down. Up, down. Relax. Fall asleep.

There are so many songs and jokes about male masturbation that it's nearly impossible to have no knowledge of it. Unlike females, males are considered liars if they claim to have never masturbated. The downside is, while expected to be "typical male behavior," it's still considered "dirty" by many religions and mothers alike.

So before I get into any techniques or reasons to masturbate, I'd like to take a moment to dispel the myths, rumors and nonsensical claims I've heard over the years.

  • 10. You'll grow hair on your palms!
    (Most people don't have hair follicles on their palms. Touching any part of your body, including hair, will not cause you to grow or lose any hair elsewhere on your body.)
  • 9. You'll get warts!
    (Warts are caused by a virus, not masturbation. It's possible (though unlikely) to spread warts from your hands to your genitals, but masturbating will not CAUSE the virus.)
  • 8. You'll become sterile!
    (Your body was designed for it. Sterilization requires a special type of surgery.)
  • 7. You'll turn gay!
    (While there are a variety of theories as to why people are homosexual, none of them involve masturbation. Guess what? Out of homosexuals, bisexuals and heterosexuals, no specific orientation has been shown to masturbate more than another.)
  • 6. Masturbating is for lame nerds who can't get any!
    (Actually, a lot of married people masturbate when they're alone.)
  • 5. The experience should be saved for a significant other!
    (This one is more of an individual decision. While I'm not going to sway you, I will point this out: Just think of how much nicer it'll be when you can tell your significant other exactly how you like it.)
  • 4. Once I start masturbating, I'll become addicted!
    (While habit-forming, for most people it's not addictive. There is no physical and usually no psychological dependence on masturbation. Masturbation does release addictive endorphins, but so do chocolate and roller coasters. If masturbation becomes part of your routine, it's because you've grown accustomed to it. Unless masturbation sessions interfere with other aspects of your life, you can stop without any treatment or counseling if you seriously have the desire. However, why in the world would you WANT to stop?)
  • 3. My friends will be really mean to me if they find out I masturbate!
    (First of all, your friends don't need to know. Secondly, if they do somehow find out, they may laugh, but there's a good chance they do it themselves once in a while.)
  • 2. Masturbation is disgusting!
    (This is another individual decision. However, I will point out that there are far more disgusting things that provide far less pleasure.)

    And the number one male masturbation myth, rumor and nonsensical claim that I've ever heard in my life...
  • 1. Masturbation causes blindness.
    (I'm sure everybody's heard this one, but just for the record: There is no connection between your vision and your reproductive system.)

Alas, those are the top ten that I've heard. You can find more at

Why SHOULD you masturbate? Primarily, masturbation provides an opportunity to try out firsthand (no pun intended) what feels good to you. It is an outlet to explore fantasy, satisfy curiosity and become more self-aware of your body. Additionally, studies have linked it to reducing the risk of prostate cancer. (For more details, see

Now, let's focus on what actually happens during masturbation:
  1. Erection -- "Boners," "stiffies," whatever you want to call them. The penis becomes hard because the arteries within get smaller, which increases the blood pressure and causes the erectile tissue to fill with blood. This simple fact once grossed me out, but it's not nearly as gross as the digestive system.
  2. Orgasm -- This part is a bit more complicated. The spinal cord sends signals to the genitals to get the juices flowing (pun intended). A combination of fluids from the seminal vesicles, the prostate, the ampulla and the vas deferens are sent into the urethra by groin muscle contractions. The pressure increase in the urethra causes the semen to be forced out, and the urethral contractions produce the intense, orgasmic feeling that keeps bringing you back for more. (For a lesser-friendly version of this, see and for even more information, visit

Now we're ready to delve into masturbation techniques to make this happen.

(Welcome to the big show. He could... go... all... (Cue techno beat)... the... WAY!)

I discovered masturbation when I was 11 by humping away at the side of my mattress. Sure, stroking up and down works for most guys, but from my experience, this isn't nearly as intense as direct stimulation to the base of the penis. Quite a few techniques are at, but for the sake of originality, I plan to reveal the my personal ultimate, surefire weapon that can make the post-orgasmic aftermath stay for an extended period of time, but if done incorrectly can leave one sore for days.

Not yet, however. For the moment, let's go over some of the stuff you can use while you masturbate:

Lubrication -- Some guys use spit, some buy KY Jelly or use the Vaseline in the medicine cabinet. Personally, I don't use any lubrication because I enjoy the friction.

Toys -- Loved by many, hated by few, sex toys can be found in novelty shops and websites everywhere. I've heard of some guys using vibrators in various locations between their legs and guys putting their penises where…well, let's just say a penis shouldn't be where they put their penises. However, just as penis-resembling dildos and vibrators are made for females, pocket pussies are made for males.

Like vibrators, pocket pussies come in a variety of shapes, sizes and colors.

Some look fake and are relatively inexpensive:

Some look real, add bells & whistles (like vibration) and cost considerably more:

I know a handful of people who prefer fake-looking ones not only because of the price, but because they feel uncomfortable with a realistic playmate. Pocket pussies were created with the intent of looking and feeling like genuine female anatomy, thus providing realistic feeling (a vaginal simulator, if you will). Obviously, polyurethane won't feel exactly like human flesh, so don't always take claims to heart. Always know what you're getting, because otherwise, well, I wish you the best of luck finding the return policy on the receipt.

Pornography -- I'm not going to advise you to look for porn on the Internet or run down to your nearest FYE for the latest issue of Playboy, but I will say it's been around a long time for the purposes we're discussing here. (Just for trivia: It is believed that women once masturbated to cave drawings of warriors. For more on masturbation in the ancient world, check out Erotica is considered by some to be porn, and its biggest advantage is being able to see things with your mind's eye; with so much left to the imagination, it's easy to get lost in the fantasy.

Thus far, we've covered myths about, reasons to, what happens during, and tools to assist with masturbation. By this point, I think you're ready to embark on this journey yourself. Ah yes, I did mention my personal, surefire weapon. First of all, remember this is MY technique. Your surefire method might be different, and feel free to use slight variations of mine. That said, here goes...

As you may already know, the prostate gland is the male G-spot. Stimulation of the prostate gland during sexual activity intensifies orgasm to a substantial degree. It's located beneath the bladder and in front of the rectum.

The easiest way to stimulate it to insert an object or finger into the anus (make sure it's clean!) and gently press against the wall within. That's the first thing you need to know.
  1. Although this is just a precaution step, go ahead and urinate. This isn't recommended for those with full bladders.
  2. The loose skin at the bottom of the underside of the penis is extremely sensitive. If you gently press down into it, you'll be pushing into the top of the scrotum. As you press in, it will feel like a soft, spongy area. With the right amount of pressure, you can feel the onset of an erection within a few seconds. You're not getting off this easy though (you probably could by playing around, varying the intensity, etc., but don't allow it. This IS the ultimate experience, remember.) Simultaneously wiggle your fingers (almost in a vibrating motion) while pressing against the top of the scrotum (remember, not too much pressure, as you could hurt yourself; but do use enough pressure to feel it. If anything hurts, use common sense and stop.). Continue this until the erection is complete.
  3. With your fingers still gently pressing into top of the scrotum, straddle a surface (be it the side of a bed or sofa, the stuffed animal your girlfriend got you for Valentine's Day, a pillow, a cushion…you get the idea: Hard enough for pressure, but too soft to cause pain.) and grind the underside of the penis against your fingers (yes, you're humping your hand while using your body to press it hard against your chosen surface).
  4. While this is going on, use the other hand to reach behind and insert your index finger into your anus to gently stimulate the prostate gland (again, make sure it's clean!) or simply stimulate the anus by moving your fingers in the same vibrating-like motion as you did in step 1.
  5. As you approach orgasm, exercise your Kegel muscles. Try to urinate for a few seconds, and then use the same muscle that you would use to cut off urine midstream.

Be careful! The first time I tried this, my Kegel muscles felt sore for a few days. However, it's worth mentioning how intense the orgasm was and how I was in a state of bliss for 20 minutes.

I didn't develop this technique over night, so you might need a little practice before mastery. Also, don't forget to experiment with your own methods. It's your body, so take advantage of it!

This concludes the masturbation guide for males. Feel free to contact me with any suggestions for things you'd like to see mentioned in this article!

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