It was Tuesday March 3rd I had been having a great day I headed for my free block, about 6 of us had this class, Our teacher had told us that he would be out for the majority of the class. I really only knew two people in the class. I thought us to be friends, I'll call them Mark and Dave. Mark started to talk about a girl he was going out with and Zack mentioned that he thought Mark was gay. Mark replied that he wasn’t gay but that he was Bi. At this point I turned off my Mp3 player, and began to listen to their conversation about Mark being with guy and girls. This carried on for about two or three minutes until Mark mentioned to them that I was gay. They started to ask questions that I would expect someone to ask, I tried to answer as best I could. Around this time Mark and another person left the room. They had asked me if I had a bf and I told them that I had recently broken up with him. Dave mentioned how we broke up (how he found that out I’ll never know) Brian then told me that he thought gay people shouldn't be able to get married and then asked me if I thought fags should be able to get married. I didn’t answer this but Zack said something that made me think he was standing up for me. Zack then started talking about how he had never seen any gay people outside; David commented that you never see them because no one wants to see two guys together. Brian asked me when I decided to be gay, I told him that I never decided to be gay and that I was just born gay. He wouldn't hear this and just restated I choose to be gay. Dave interrupted him saying that I was born gay... then compared me being gay to a mental illness. At this point I was really feeling terrible about myself and I could tell I was about to cry, I tried my best to stop myself, eventually just blocking my face with the book I had been reading. Zack began to talk about how 2 guys having sex is disgusting, sick and wrong, adding that the only thing you get from it is AIDS. Brian asked me if I had HIV, at this point I just started to pick up my stuff and was going to leave, not wanting to stay and listen to them or even look at them. He kept asking me this as I was walking to the door then started to ask me if I have AIDS.

As I headed for my locker to drop off my things I started to think about everything they said and it made me feel sick and wrong, like I had decided to be gay, and like I didn’t deserve anything that I had always wanted in life or anything that I had. I was ashamed of myself and I was sad and alone, and I had no idea what to do. All I could was keep myself from breaking down in the middle of the hall. I had ended up staying in the library until school was over. During this time Dave and Zack each came to find me and each gave me the same fake apology, just pretty words with no meaning behind them. As school ended I collected my work and headed home. Again, trying with all my strength to keep myself straight-faced. I entered my house and quickly went to the computer wanting to talk to someone who I thought could help, or at least just so I had someone to talk to about it all. I did talk to him but didn’t really get the help I was hoping for. Still, getting it out there was helpful for me and made me feel a bit better. The time went by quickly and I then headed off for my first day of work. Everyone was really nice and kind to me, so it was easy for me to keep what happened off my mind.

When I got home and was lying down in bed, I could only think of what had happened earlier that day and finally being alone I was able to break down into tears. I cried until their was nothing left inside of me but the pain and loneliness. I guess it was like I had accepted what they said as fact and that there was something wrong with me. It was something that I had tried to change for 5 years and I had finally accepted it and knew I couldn't change. It just hurt even more, and the moment I accepted it, I wasn’t Philip anymore, I was just some gay kid. It didn’t matter what anyone else said or what advice I was given because the moment I accepted it it became a part of my mindset and still today sometimes I feel ashamed of who I am and it just really hurts more than I can even describe.

rickweber (Rick) had asked me to write about my experience after he talked to me about what happened. Part of me knew that it would be good to get it all off my chest and to be able to share it with others. This happened more then a month ago, and while I could claim I was too busy with school, in reality I just didn’t want to revisit what had happened. It was all too much for me to deal with, and even now feeling all this pain, even in tears part of me knows that this is for the best and in the long run will be really helpful to me and maybe to others. Even if you get overwhelmed with all the bad in life, it is always better to talk about it then bottle it up. If you just keep it in then you live with the pain every day and the hurt never goes away, and eventually you just don't want any experiences and you miss out on some really good ones.

I haven't gotten over it, not nearly, but hopefully in time I will and I won't care what other people think about me. I am who I am, and if they can’t accept it then I just don’t want them in my life. For anyone reading this, I hope you know that this is not how most people think and will act to you being gay. There are actually really nice people out there who will accept you for who you are. They will care about you and will be there when you really need them. When you experience that, you will be able to know a sense of belonging and love that I’m sure most gay students don’t really feel most of the time because they're in the minority. I'm not completely familiar with this but I have felt it and it feels wonderful.

Philip

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